Funny People Should Rule the World.
After recognizing that I now go into every alcohol-induced social situation as if I’m an undercover reporter just waiting for the moment for people to make fools of themselves, I decided to reevaluate my intentions. My objective in writing is to be funny, not to wait for drunk people to fall into the Mill Race. Yes, of course that is funny, but I think I need a change of pace. Quite frankly, hunting for good stories is exhausting. Instigating hook ups and convincing my fellow students into several Power Hours is not a walk in the park, let me reassure you. It’s hard work, and after about a year of doing this, I think it’s time I took a sabbatical (I’m not really sure how those work or what they are, but from what I understand they seem like the ideal vacation). So, for a while, I’m done telling stories. I want to talk about things. Things I love, things I loath, and things I think about way too much that I have a strange suspicion no one else does. But if you do, seriously, please tell me. I like to know that my slightly offbeat and dysfunctional way of viewing life isn’t completely going to hell, or at least not by myself.
Firstly, I’d like to talk about funny people. Ever since transferring to a private Jewish high school when I was 15, it became very clear to me that we are running our world is wrong. I started believing this when I met the leadership at this school, and became legitimately concerned for my generation. In CJHS’s instance, our head of school was a dreadfully balding and slowly inflating man named Rabbi Rainer. He was short, round, and shiny, similarly to a Christmas tree ornament or a bowling ball. That is, if Chirstmas tree ornaments and bowling balls wore a yamulka and crocks everyday, of course.
This was a crime against humanity. Yes, on the outside he looked like he’d keep you laughing for hours, but I learned the hard way that he was in fact a mean, rude, angry man who was severely disappointed in his own life. Perhaps if I knew him as a real human instead of a principal, he may have been more enjoyable. But he wasn’t, and he sucked.
This is when I decided the world should be run by funny people. And only funny people. I’d like to list some individuals who I think would make excellent leaders in our national and global community, people that would bring peace, compassion, and unlimited adult Pampers for those of us who would be peeing in our pants a lot from laughing so much. So let’s boycott the bald and depressing, and elect the face-making, yelling, awkward comment-making leaders of tomorrow.
#1 My wonderful and weird siblings, Madi and Miles
Tonight when I told my brother how sweet it was that my friend Daniel had texted me saying to let him know when I got home safely, my brother didn’t think twice before saying “You should text him that you’re dead.”
Miles is in 4th grade, and without evening trying has the timing and comedic genius of every Office character there is. Angela, the pregnant anal cat lady character, is who particularly comes to mind. Please, Miles, don’t take offense to this.
Madi is my 18-year-old sister. She is the most sarcastic piece of shit I know. She would agree to this, as she calls herself a sarcastic piece of shit almost every day. No matter what you say or in what tone, she will immediately respond with a rude and impudent remark that will make you seriously wonder if she’s kidding or if she’s just a huge bitch. You wouldn’t know, because most of these backhanded comments are said with a completely straight face, but in her heart she’s smiling warmly and hopes she didn’t hurt your feelings. But, she doesn’t really care, therefore fails to clear this confusion. An example of this would be the two of us in a yoga class together, and one of the poses was too difficult for another girl sitting near us, so the girl sat down on her mat and took a drink of water. Madi’s immediate response to this was “Yup, keep up the good work, fatass. Working really hard, there.” The small, weak Asian girl who was just attacked by Madi looks up at me with a confused and desperate look that reads, “Help me.”
#2 Will Farrell
I think that Will Farrell would appropriately and effectively run the United States if elected president (something I’m still working on- I’ll keep you posted). No other comedian can get away with the shit will Farrell does. He brings pure grotesque joy to every American who appreciates fat jokes, ice skating competitions, man babies, NASCAR, the Catalina wine mixer, high fashion (that Hansel, he’s so hot right now), the news, 70’s disco music, dear baby Jesus, short-shorts and basketball, and the city of San Diego, also known as a whale’s vagina. If you’re an American and you don’t like any of these things, reevaluate your life now.
#3 Chelsea Handler
This blog is dedicated to her. Do I really need to explain why she made this list? Moving on.
#4 My absolute favorite teacher at CJHS, Dr. Ron Reissberg
This is a man who once told me he was attacked by a midget while driving a taxi and studying Torah at the same time. Now thinking about it, Dr. Reissberg definitely deserves his own chapter. This is your preview. Get excited!
#5 Mindy Kaling, also known as Kelly Kapour, from the Office
Kelly does not get enough credit on this damn show. She writes, produces, and acts in it, and still manages to pull the best lines, mainly concerning her tool boyfriend, Ryan, the Kardashians, and her weight. Kelly is the perfect combination, of sass, class, and Indian food.
#6 My beloved grandmother, Natalie Lewis
This is a 91-year-old woman who takes three days to eat a banana, saves leftover birthday cake for your arrival four months later, and cuts strawberries with pliers. She’ll leave a half-consumed Starbucks cup on top of a public garbage can in hopes that she’ll pass through that part of town later in the day and pick it up to finish then. She dies her hair black so that no one will be suspicious that she’s an old lady, and tells every customer at the Barnes and Noble she works at, Jewish or not, “Shabbat Shalom” on Fridays. She also despises Mahjong and any woman in her town who plays it. “A very particular kind of woman plays Mahjong,” she’ll say in disgust, “but it’s absolutely mindless. That’s not me. I’m a scrabble girl.” The best part about my dear Grandma Natalie is that she’s always your number one fan, now matter how pathetic your life becomes. “Sarah, how was your day today? Make any progress? Did you get a job?” she’ll ask my 25-year-old cousin. “Nope,” Sarah will reply, “But I picked up some things at the grocery store. I also met some interesting homeless people in the park.” “Oh Sarah,” Grandma will start whimpering, “I’m so proud of you! Keep up the good work!” Best cheerleader ever.
#7 Kristin Wiig in Bridesmaids
“There’s a colonial woman on the wing! She is churning butter! She is dressed in traditional colonial garment!”
#8 Team Meatballs
I don’t think they would have made the cut for this list if I hadn’t seen this week’s episode of Jersey Shore. If you haven’t seen Episode 8 of Season 5 yet, I recommend you do this immediately. In short, it went down like this. Deena and Snooki rented a blown up boat, put in the Atlantic Ocean, and simultaneously had two separate panic attacks (Deena’s because she thought there was a shark, Snooki’s because she thought she was going to lose her alcoholic beverage to the ocean), and flipped the boat over completely, then had life guards come out to save them, only to discover that they were in about 3 feet of water. If you have no intention of watching this, have good faith and believe me that it was tear-worthy.
Obviously, there are more than ten people in the world who I find ridiculously funny and entertaining, but these are the few who cross my mind regularly, who make me laugh out loud in class when thinking about them, and who I truly do aspire to be like. I want to be the funniest person I can be. It’s one of my most important goals in my self-improvement category, right along with joining the Glee cast and becoming a racecar driver. As I’ve made clear, this something I’m passionate about, love writing about, and truly love thinking about at all hours of the day. Humor, no matter which way you put it, is important. So make jokes. Even if they suck, you still get credit for trying. And you’ll get better. Just don’t be afraid, try doing things unpremeditated, and see sparkly things in shitty situations. Who knows, you might just wake up as a unicorn with all of this fun you’re having!